No phone, no tv, no internet

The cable is near the surface, simple matter of splicing it, then putting it back to be cut again.

Stan's heart sank as he surveyed the damage. This should be a simple matter, but not in our New World. This simple mistake would become an ordeal.
The guy who came to pump out our septic tank today accidentally cut through the coaxial cable buried just under the sod by the cable company in 2001, severing our slim connection to the outside world, and underscoring how foolish it is to bundle with Comcast or anybody else. (Is there anybody else?)

In the Old World a cut cable would be no big thing, you call the guy and he comes and splices it back together and charges you $50 bucks or so. Or you might just do it yourself.
That's not how it works in the New World, which is why Stan asked Kathleen to handle this… she also handles the septic tank negotiations. Stan prepared himself a nice lunch in the time it took Kathleen to arrange for a repair window of tomorrow between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m.
To do it, Kathleen got all her numbers together (address, account no. phone no. social security last four, etc.) but when the robot that you have to talk to asked her why she called, she plainly stated "We have a cut cable." Of course the robot figured that that meant we wanted to cut the cable and so it asked "Do you want to cancel your service?" which is probably a good idea, but not today. Our cable bill has creeped up to $2,180 a year now and we have no idea why.
Eventually she was talking to somebody who isn't from around here who comforted her in a nice accent with classic doublespeak that there would be no charge for repairing the cable. . . just the service charge of $50 to $70. Fair enough, the septic guy who cut the cable said he'd pay for it.
So how are we informing you that our cable has been cut so we won't be answering the house phone but you can send us an email?
No, we didn't go to Starbucks or McDonald's for a free ride on their wifi. And even though we are in the vaunted Xfinity hotspot and should be able to get a free ride without leaving the house, the connection process is just too complex and human memory intensive to run their gauntlet, even though Comcast believes "It has never been easier."
No, we jumped onto the neighbor's internet wifi, which will work just fine until we get ours back. We made a cell phone call to them and we were on in seconds. Now THAT was easy.